Well, life has come at me in a big way and I’ve been a bit lacklustre in describing what has been going on creatively. Last year, when I lost my cat Edward I spoke of the interesting grief that awaits a person’s life once they reach their 40s. Yes, cultural society can combat ageism and celebrate new ways of growing older but essentially, that doesn’t stop life from being life. It doesn’t stop everyone else from aging and the health outcomes related to that. It doesn’t stop the pressing responsibilities and commitments that we accumulate with age. It doesn’t prevent relationships from fragmenting and futures forced to become something we weren’t prepared for. And in short, I’ve been having a challenging time with it.
But while I recognize the grief that occurs with change — there is a need to recognize a wish lost and a future shifting from what one designed — there is also a glimmer of hope with the unexpected.
One of my closest friends told me (I’m paraphrasing), “You need to make space for what’s to come. Because otherwise there’s no room for something new to come forward.”
I’ve thought about this a lot over the last few months. I wonder how we fill our lives with busyness to prevent ourselves from seeing the splinters in the foundation. How we can fill each crack only for new ones to emerge and continue to shred. How the performance of parenthood and fulfilling specific duties can feel like a checkmark-based list of achievement which is superficially satisfying but lacks the depth of fulfilllment. And who is repairing the foundation? And how does it continue to crumble to a place of disarray.
This is not meant to be an intentional coded message, I imagine it’s quite apparent. But yes, so much change has been needed, much of which took me the greater portion of this year to feel ready to confront.
I haven’t felt fully immersed in my creative field as a result but I’m coming back to it. And I look forward to sharing more about what I’m working and what I’m excited about soon.